Oh my God. Where do I start?
It`s been a roller coster of events and emotional turmoil. Damn. I’m having that quarter-life crisis all over again. I thought I got over it…I guess not. Maybe I just pushed things to the backburner, thinking that everything finally was alright. Out of sight, may not necessarily be out of mind.
Sometimes, when I think back and reflect, I realise my mistakes. My shortcomings. My weaknesses. But then, I do it all over again. It’s like watching a car accident. You know it’s going to be bad, but you can’t stop it, and all you can do is stare in fascinated horror at the mess that is about to unfold. Best you can do, is pray.
I think the root of all this, is that I am discontent. I have been told, and I do realise that in comparison, I am quite blessed. With health, mental and physical. With the means to buy what I want, without worry. With a job. With a roof over my head. With food, so much food.
But alas, I take it for granted. No, I am not trying to brag. I am not trying to show what I have. I am just trying to make sense of what it is that is making me feel discontent. My guess is, the only thing that I don’t have?
I am unable to let go of control. You can’t control what happens, at least, the part that is unpredictable anyways. That’s where fate comes in. Destiny. And for some, they leave it all at the hands of God, and for others, they prefer to think that they carve their own path.
I tend to get frustrated, when things don’t go the way I planned. Or that I cannot seem to make sense of things that happen.
They say that everything happens for a reason. I think I need to be more accepting of my own fate. To have faith in whatever is planned out for me.
Though I may not have the closest of relationships with God. I’d like to think that I am not beyond redemption. And that whatever happens, He is there for me.